I Am the Lesbian M&M Tucker Carlson Outed
Well, here we are. I didn’t want it to be this way, but it seems I’ve been left with no choice. Tucker Carlson outed me and he was right: I, the green M&M, am a raging homo.
I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you, my family and friends, first but I swear, it wasn’t anything personal. Tucker just KNEW somehow. I don’t know if it was my hyper femme look, my sky-high gogo boots, or my utter disgust for Red M&M, but Tucker knew. He poured me out of the bag, held me up to the sky and screamed “So YOU’RE the carpet muncher! AHHHHAHAHAHAH!”
I didn’t know what to say, I was shocked. He was right. In fact, I had just been munching on Brown M&M’s carpet only moments before. Could he tell? Was I blushing? I’m a damn sugar coated piece of chocolate, was I even able to blush??
And the strangest part was that he KNEW someone was gay. He didn’t even have to ask, he kept saying “Which one of you is U-HAULing after this? Where is the messy bottom? Who’s got the strap?” He honestly knew an impressive amount about lesbian culture.
Anyway, he announced my sexuality to the world, which was incredibly fucked up and probably indicative of his own repression. We’re not gonna fuck you, Tucker, M&Ms were never gonna fuck you.
The only redeeming part of this while traumatic situation is that now I can be free. Now you all know my secret and won’t judge me for saying things like “I want Brown M&M to stomp on my neck” or “I want her to pulverize me with her sexy thighs.” All of that is won’t come as a surprise to you all now that you know I’m an M&M who likes other lady M&Ms (there is only one and her name is Brown).
So at the end of the day, I have to thank you, Tucker, for being weirdly attracted to me (Green M&M) to the point where you forced my sexuality on the whole world. At least now, I can be me, and again that is a chocolate candy that is sexually attracted to another chocolate candy. A thing that is real, thanks to Tucker Carlson.