Thanks for Giving Me the Specific Compliment I Definitely Was Not Fishing For
Hey girl!
I so appreciate you giving me the compliment that my hair looks perfect and totally not frizzy at all. I definitely was not fishing for it. Not when I asked, with the biggest puppy dog eyes, if my hair was looked insane, and definitely not when I clarified that “insane” meant “frizzy beyond control” and “that I am the stupidest bitch in the world.”
You really did not have to be so sweet. All I was looking for was a few rounds of “no’s” after each specific questions I asked. I wasn’t looking for a monologue about how great I am!
And I definitely wasn’t expecting you to go through all of my features and compliment each one individually. I mean “cleanest eyebrows in America??” That certainly can’t be true! Maybe I’m a close second, but not number one! My eyebrows are so overgrown they look like an actual forest. Like a deciduous forest with tons of bushy trees and shrubs. Like a dense, impenetrable forest that you have to hack your way through-
Girl, stop!!!! You really don’t have to tell me that’s not true. You’re like the kindest person ever.
Anyway, I should probably go. My company’s about to name me “Employee of the Month,” which I don’t even deserve. All the sales I make are total bogus cause I basically make up my pitches on the spot. It’s like, have I ever heard of planning??? And what’s even crazier is that I make the company so much money because, like, have you seen how much of a massive idiot I am??? I can’t even say one sentence without sounding like I just learned words yesterday.
…right?
You’re not disagreeing…
Wow.
I can’t believe this. The fact that you actually let me say that without interrupting to correct me is actually so fucked up. I thought you were my FRIEND. Guess there really is no one I can trust except myself. My unbelievably tiring self…
…
WOW.
Still nothing??? This friendship is over.