Hello readers,
Most of you know that I turned 25 on Saturday :’) (substack doesn’t let me add emojis?!? Where is mISS CEO, I have a complaint). It was a really wonderful day full of good food, good friends, and good ole sweaty times (it was basically in the 90s all day with that damn humidity). My friends were troopers who showed up in the gross, sticky weather to sit on some dirty blankets in Prospect Park and give me little kisses (metaphorically… for the most part).
I was honored! I was floored! I want to write a whole novela about each person who came and everyone who wished me a happy birthday because every last one of them is special and beautiful and smart and incredible and so many other adjectives. I was showered in love and I was so very grateful.
And also, I was stressed! (readers get the inside scoop) I had a big week both before and after the b’day (pronounced bidet) and planning a party, don’t know if anyone in the history of the world has made this remark before probably not, is stressful! And then, of course, because I was feeling stressed, I was anxious that my stress was gonna get in the way of my enjoyment of the party/my appreciation for everyone and that then I was gonna give off stressful vibes and then my FRIENDS would be stressed and then I would feel worse oh BROTHER!!!!! I believe this is, what my therapist would call, spiraling :) (this would literally be so much better if I could use an upside down face emoji MX. Substack CEO where the hell are you?!?!?)
Ultimately I did not want any of that to happen. I wanted to have a good birthday! I wanted to have fun even if it rained, even if it was hot, even if I bailed on going out to a bar because I’m afraid of Delta (:vomit-face:). Some of you might be astutely observing that wanting to have fun at a time when you’re anxious about not having fun might not… help you have fun? But if there’s anything I’ve learned from my 10+ years of cognitive behavioral therapy, it’s that thinking changes feeling changes behavior (this is the first thing they teach you about CBT). And reader, I am delighted to tell you that I did have fun :) (should be swirly hearts face, you know the one).
I don’t know if it was changing my thoughts to change my feelings to change my behavior etc or if it was the fact that I had so many wonderful, wonderful people send me love (probably both) but I had a really special day. I felt enveloped in love, surrounded by people, near and far, who I care for and who care for me so deeply. I felt so lucky.
I recently asked my partner Allison if it was boring that we were in love. They responded, “No, love is the most interesting thing in the world.” !!!!!!!! I freaking SOBBED!!!!!!! Sometimes I feel, like in this newsletter for instance, that maybe I am boring. When my friends and I catch up, I don’t have much excitement to report: I love my friends, I love my family, I love my partner — things are good! My inner cynic hears that and thinks, “please stop talking about how happy you are, snooze.” And yes, sure, fair. But also, Al is right. Having no updates doesn’t mean things are boring. There’s a whole world of big feelings that I get to experience every time I do something I love. Talk about interesting!!!!!! (all those exclamation points make that read sarcastic, but I mean it. Just hard to be earnest in the void of the newsletter :p). I’ve never felt more excited by my life than I do right now. I’ve never felt better, more interested, more secure than I do right now. And I attribute so much of that to the big loves I feel all the time. If that’s boring to you, then call me Mayor of Boring Nation, babe, make me your king!!!!
As I enter the first age that’s made me feel old (sorry to everyone who is rolling their eyes reading this. I know I’m still a child), I feel really glad to be feeling this way. I know nothing lasts forever and I’m still, of course, terrified about all the uncertainty ahead. But I also feel really damn grateful for all this right here and now (is the mindfulness working?!?!?!?!? ugh!!!!!)
So thank you, to all of you! Here’s to 25 and hopefully an end to this pandemic in our lifetimes :)
I love you! Wanna see some highlights from the weekend?
My sister/mother/icon/queen came into town in time for my bday :teary-face: here’s a pic of us asking each other at the same time what we should change about our current look for the photo:
Here is the cake my fam got me (:sob:). I include it because it was delish and also because it was the only food pic I got and I want you all to know that Al and I schlepped so many snacks to the park, I was drenched in sweat when we got there and then dear friend Orli Matlow said it was the “best prepped picnic she’s ever been to” and I DO NOT take that compliment lightly!!!!!
A funny pic of my darling friend Folake CARRYING ME!!! OK STRONG!!
Lastly, I’m up in Great Barrington with my family this week and we celebrated my grandparents’ 62nd (!) anniversary with some family photos. Here’s a cute one, speaking of love:
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Till next time xo :kissy-face: (Mr. substack CEO I’m drafting an email now…)