My whole life, I’ve been 5’2”. Short but manageable. You wouldn’t expect me to be 5’2”, would you? You’re probably sitting at home (or wherever you’re reading this… your bathroom?? I won’t judge) like, “damn lily is 5’2”? But she has such an incredible, welcoming, visibly hot presence, I can’t imagine she would be that short!” I’ve been told I have “tall person energy” which of course makes me (mom and dad close your eyes) h0rn4y (I coded it in computer speak so they won’t get it phew). Anytime someone says that to me I want to look them dead in the eyes and say, “from the depths of my leo soul, thank you.”
I always wanted to be a little taller because it’d make me feel more respected. People respect tall people because they DO have such an obvious presence. You SEE them you know? For better or for worse, I guess. I know there are tall people in the crowd who wish they were seen a little less. But in my mind, being tall is hot and people listen to you more when you’re tall (probably because your vocal chords are longer so your voice is louder. That’s how it works right?)
I was never lucky enough to be tall, but despite the moments when I see photos of myself and wish I could meet the average height of my friends, I don’t begrudge my height. After I stopped growing, kids in school and babysitters and the like would all say “5’2” is a good height” and I believed them. It wasn’t really until college where I realized 5’2” is actually… short. It’s, in fact, below the national average (what the hell, I’m hyperlinking now? Am I a researcher???). Even still, I never felt short or below average. My height seemed to fit me. I could blend in or insert myself when I needed to make sure you didn’t underestimate me.
I loved being 5’2”! It felt like those two numbers helped make me the person I am. So imagine my shock, readers, when I got a physical and learned that actually I’m… 5’3”?! What the hell kind of numbers are those?! First of all they’re both odd, so immediately they’re standoffish and evil. Second, what is up with all the hard consonants in those numbers: a sharp V a hard THR? My mouth hurts from all the work my teeth are doing just to get these numbers out! And third, what kind of height is 5’3” even? 5’2” you can picture: she’s short but not that short that you notice she’s short. 5’4”, she’s average, pretty standard height, you can conjure that image in your mind. 5’3”?! Where the hell does that exist in my mind’s eye? Taller than short but shorter than average?! That simply DOES NOT COMPUTE!
Am I mad about this newfound discovery? Yes, obviously. I refuse to change physically without knowing that the change is happening, because I have an urge to control everything in my life and that’s something I’m working through in therapy. But more than that, I just hate the idea that these numbers are my height now. I do not associate with them! They do not speak to me and frankly I don’t like how they look! They’re ugly!!!! So instead of coming to some grand conclusion about accepting the things we cannot change and learning to grow — both physically and mentally —as we age, I’m choosing to agree that my GP misread my height and I am still 5’2” and when people ask I’m going to say 5’2” because that feels right to me and this is my life.
Thanks for reading my newsletter! Did you learn something about willful ignorance? It’s bad in most cases but in this case it’s a fun quirk (it’s still bad).
Here’s a picture of me and cookie who’s made an appearance on this newsletter before!!!!! Loyal readers remember!!!!!!!!!
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