What’s this? A message from lilyblumkin.substack.com in your inbox? But she hasn’t written us in months! Is she ok? Does she have devastating news to break to us? How is her hair so beautiful all the time?? WHAT’S GOING ON?!?!?
Relax, dear reader, all is well. Take a deep breath. Come nestle your head on my bosom. Is that helping? No? Well that’s probably because you’re not actually nestling your head on my bosom, you’re reading this on your phone. DUH!!!
Anyway, it surely has been a while since you’ve heard from me, and I know you’ve missed me as I’ve missed you. These last few months have been full of commotion and kookiness, and clearly, I’ve taken a break from ye substack. But like my annual resolution to read every night before bed, I plan to revive it in the new year (this one’s for real though!).
For anyone keeping track (me alone), my original goal here was to share weekly stories or musings about things that were making me laugh. In 2023, I’m planning to make it a bit less frequent, maybe monthly or realistically whenever I feel like it (girlboss alert!), and keep it to silly stories, thoughts, “satire” pieces, or again, whatever I feel like (has anyone alerted Sheryl Sandberg that there’s a girl, bossing her way about the internet rn? Someone really should, before I get out of control). Essentially, I want this to feel less like “here’s something I should talk about with my therapist” and more like “here’s something for your entertainment, as I long to be your little jester boy.”
Anyway, no one asked for this explanation and more than likely, no one’s going to know the difference! But it’s important I make everything a really big deal because I have a huge ego.
With all that being said, here are some musings I’ve had as of late:
Recently, I was gay in the south, meaning my partner and I visited the south. Here’s something they don’t tell you about homophobia, it can make you feel… pretty special. Like in New York, no one cares if you’re gay. You could be walking around in a full body rainbow harness and no one would turn their head because they just saw nine other people in the same thing. But in the south? Darling, you’re the belle of the ball! You’re getting glances, lingering stares, hushed murmurs. You’re not a part of the crowd anymore, down there, you’re the most interesting person they’ve ever seen! So anytime you start to feel like you’re unoriginal, remember that somewher, some ignorant person thinks you’re unlike anyone else. And that’s the meaning of Christmas. <3
I love when the same product is advertised differently to men and women because the men’s version will be like “you need a razor that can keep up with your sexy, rugged, completely flawless manhood” and the women’s version will be like “you need to not be who you are. At all. Whip out 15 bucks and let’s get you this razor!”
I do feel bad for men sometimes though because one of the only ways they know how to express themselves is by wearing a fun sock. Such a sad existence, masculinity really is a prison :(
There are not many great equalizers in this world but one of the biggest is never knowing whether we’re supposed to open the sliding door on a cab or if the driver is. I don’t care how many ivy league degrees you have, if a cab has a sliding door, you become an absolute fumbling idiot like the rest of us. And I think that’s beautiful.
Ok, that’s all I’ve got for now. Thanks again for reading and I hope you all have happy holidays and a tasty new year. See you in 2023 for more nonsense!!!