I saw Dua Lipa at MSG on Tuesday (which was my State of the Union) and it was rly fun and she is rly hot but unfortunately she cannot dance. Here is my interpretation of what her inner monologue was during her hit song “Break My Heart.”
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I’m Dua Lipa. 26 year old English pop star who has won multiple Grammys. I have the body of a goddess and the sultry voice of a Scarlett Johanson if she could sing. I can do a lot of things like release a best-selling album in a pandemic, write incredibly fun and sexy music, look breathtakingly hot in everything I wear, but one thing I cannot do is dance. I do not know how to move my body. You’d think I could because of how smoking I am, but ultimately the best I can do is shake my hips and sort of wave my arms around. It’s not nothing!!!!
Right now, I’m singing the best song on my latest album in front of a massive crowd at Madison Square Garden. It’s about falling in love which I know a lot about because I’ve been in many sexual relationships. Everyone is happy to be here and happy to see me because we’ve been in a crippling pandemic for two years and because my music makes people feel good. Look at those people in the front row, they look so happy to be dancing! Oh fuck, I should be dancing. Ok here I go: hip, hip. Nailed it.
No applause break?!? Goddammit, I did it again: I didn’t dance. I just bumped my hips from side to side. It was pretty jerky, I honestly wouldn’t even call it a sway. But wait, remember how hot I am? I can do this, I’m so hot. Let me hump the mic stand to show everyone how hot I am.
Amazing, that got a huge cheer. We’re back on track people. This song is so good. How did I manage to release an album full of hits at exactly the time that people were craving it?? I’m a genius. Also my hair looks amazing right now, let’s give it a shimmy.
Could you call shaking your head a dance move? You should, because I’m especially good at it. Lots of people online like to come at me for not knowing how to dance, but if Beyonce can do “hair-ography,” I should be able to too.
Ok really shouldn’t have made that comparison to Beyonce, because I’m already regretting it. I just tried to pop my tits and it looked like I convulsed. I can’t move like her, why would I ever think I can.
Time for the chorus, thank god. I got two boys in rollerskates who can dance and do tricks, so they’ll take the attention off me for a second.
Actually shut the fuck up, I’m a leo. Give me that attention back you FREAKS! Back-up dancers, get behind me and lift me up so everyone can see how hot I am again. Nice. Now twirl me around so it looks like some sort of coordinated movement which is really all that dancing is, isn’t it?
Did you like that, crowd? Did you like seeing my hot body hoisted into the air and that little flick of the wrist that I did? That was improvised. We dancers like to add a little personal flair when we can.
I take back calling myself a dancer. I just tried to do a shimmy and almost dislocated my shoulder. Ok I get it, I’m not a dancer! Why do we expect so much from pop stars, huh?? Can’t I just be hot? Is that not enough for you people!?!?
Skater boys, get back here and deal with them, I need a second.
Oh ok the song’s almost over, let me come back and do that humping thing again, that seemed to go over well.
Nice, another applause break, smashing success.
Thank god that song is over, now let me do an outfit change and do the same moves a million more times.
I love being hot.
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And that’s it!!! Wow, I really let Dua speak through me in that moment. It’s gonna take a second to get back to myself. Oh wait, I forgot I’m JUST AS HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love u miss peepa, thank you all for reading this unhinged newsletter.
bye!