All the Business Deals in Succession as Told by Someone Who’s Seen Every Episode
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The series finale of Succession is tonight and there’s been a lot of fuss online about how no one actually knows what’s going on in the business side of the story. Every recap tweet reads, “when you say ‘shareholder stock price’ all I hear is ‘bleep blorp, Skarsgård hands humongous.’” Well you horny simpletons, have no fear. I understood every business plot line. How? Easy. I’ve seen every episode.
Some of you might be thinking to yourselves “I’ve seen every episode too, but I’m still confused. What makes you so qualified?” First, thank you for keeping that to yourselves. And second, I understood the episodes really well. Like, I didn’t have to look up any of the words or read any Forbes explainers. Guess I must be a business genius or something. Some people are just born with it, and the rest are you guys.
But don’t worry! You won’t be ignorant dumb asses forever because I’m here to help. So take off those dunce caps and listen up good, because these are all the business deals made in Succession, as told by me, a person who has seen every episode.
ACQUISITIONS
As you may or may not remember, because some of you have terrible long term memories, the very first deal in the series was when Kendall acquired Vaulter, a buzzy social media company. An acquisition is when one business pays a lot of money to another business to thank them for all they did. They want to say “hey! We like how you thought of making uber for cats. Here’s some money to say, nice work!” In this case, Waystar gave Vaulter $140 million dollars because they loved their idea of putting posts inside “vaults” that their algorithm then shared at any random moment. It was so crazy and unpredictable that Kendall HAD to thank them monetarily, he was ACQUIRED to! Get it? See it’s not so hard once someone smart explains it.
CORPORATE LOANS
Staying in Season 1 again if you fools can bear it, let’s talk about Logan’s corporate loan. Back in 1985, Logan took out a loan and promised the bank to pay it back in his family’s stock. But if the stock fell below a certain amount, the bank had the right to call the loan back immediately. Let’s pause. I’m throwing a lot of business terms at you, do you need a second? It’s ok if you do. I mean, I didn’t have to when I watched the episodes, of which I’ve seen every, but it’s ok if you do. Seriously. Anyway, Logan’s loan is what’s called a corporate loan, which is when a corporation, in this case Logan acting on behalf of Waystar Royco, takes money from the bank and LOANS it to those in need. Isn’t that pretty nice? It’s basically Robinhood-ing, taking from the rich and giving to the poor. And as we all know, that’s what Logan Roy was about, doing good.
CAPITAL INVESTMENTS
This is when a rich, fancy pants investor offers to go to the Capitol with someone from the company on their dime. Talk about a fun road trip!!
THE BEAR HUG
Uhhhh I think this one’s pretty obvious… a bear gives you a hug. Didn’t have to watch all of Succession to know that one…
CORPORATE MERGER
The Pierces and the Roys tried to navigate a merger, which is when two companies spend a whole weekend together and try not to kill each other, but we all saw how that went down. When Logan drew his dying breath, he actually said “this is happening because of the merger we tried to do in Season 2.” So tragic.
THE GOJO DEAL
So at the end of Season 3, we met Alexander Skarsgård’s character, who is trying to make a deal with the Roy family. What we know now, well into Season 4, is that he is actually the evil monkey from Power Puff Girls (sorry, spoiler!) but he changed his name to seem more menacing. Mo Jo Jo Jo has two too many syllables to be threatening. GoJo? I’m quaking in my boots! As everyone who’s watched every episode, like me, knows, his new motive is to try and kill the Roy kids so he can have world domination. Classic Mo Jo Jo Jo stuff. Sorry! He’s GoJo now… wink.
PGM PURCHASE
At the beginning of Season 4 the kids bought PGM for a ton of money, but what did that mean exactly? Simply put, Kendall, Roman, and Shiv paid… to adopt all of the Pierces into their family! Guess that merger wasn’t a total fail after all. And seriously, you can’t say that it was too much money, because how can you put a cost on human life? I personally think it was awesome, and I have the right opinion because I’ve seen every episode. But to be fair, it’s awesome until it gets to Thanksgiving dinner, am I right guys???
So there you have it! Those are all the deals made in Succession as told to you by me, an expert who has seen every episode. I hope this helps clarify and if it didn’t you were probably hopeless to begin with. That’s on you! Anyway, enjoy the finale. Spoiler alert: it’s tonight!!