10 Things to Do in the Russian Bathhouse that Are Not Staring at Someone's Genitals
It’s not as hard as you may think!
Welcome to the Russian Bathhouse! We’re glad you’re here. Soon, you will enjoy some delicious borscht while getting a yeast infection, but first you must go through the Russian Bathhouse itself. Opa! (That’s Greek, GOTCHA!) Inside you will enjoy a variety of soothing and meditative activities: you’ll detoxify your skin in our various saunas, cleanse your lungs in our multiple steam rooms, and of course, attempt to avoid direct eye contact with another patron’s genitals.
We know this may seem difficult as some patron’s genitals are particularly present, but we promise, it’s a much easier practice than you may think. To assist, we’ve provided a list of 10 other things to do at that are not staring at another person’s genitals. Please enjoy, or don’t! Freaks are also welcome in the Bathhouse.
Watch another person get beaten up by a pile of leaves
This is what we at the Bathhouse call “a treatment.” It is neither soothing nor quiet, and while it doesn’t seem like it should be something that’s happening in public, it is, and you are free to watch.
Look at your own genitals!
They’re right there!
Pretend you’re listening to a really good audiobook and can’t be distracted
Phones are obviously not allowed in the bathhouse, but no one said you can’t bring your imagination! Hear the heartbreaking words of Sally Rooney in your mind’s ear. You’ll be so engrossed, you won’t even remember what a genital is!
Anytime someone naked walks by you, roll your eyes
This will also signal to future naked patrons that you are NOT the kind of person who would gawk at someone’s privates.
Glance out of the corners of your eyes, as if you are looking for danger at every second
Not only is this courteous, it also makes you look tough, like you could take on any danger, even though you’re naked and barely passed gym class in high school.
Pretend you’re having a vision of the future
One that does NOT involve peepees please!
Wink with alternating eyes
Best case scenario, you pass out. Can’t see any genitals then!
Pretend you’ve dropped your glasses and crawl on the floor to look for them
Little bitch.
Act as if you’ve been cursed and anytime you try to look at genitals, they’re blurred out
Make sure you state clearly and loudly that a witch cursed you years ago with FCC regulation-sight, so anytime you try to look at genitals, all you see are blurry blobs. Sounds trustworthy to me!
Put your hands over your face and go “woahwoahwoah! Was not expecting to see THAT today!”
Fairly self explanatory!
So there you have it! 10 easy ways to keep your bathhhouse experience private part-free. If you’ve tried all these methods and you’re still having trouble avoiding the members, please come with us, cause you’re going to jail, perv.
Cheers!